Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Dumb Dog

Oh he must see a deer.
Their hundred pound Labrador barked at the window with the moon light sheening on his fur.
Dumb dog Cliff muttered getting up and letting Scooter out the back door.
The dog bolted into the night and disappeared. Cliff waited for the dog to come back.
Scooter! Scooter!
A neighbors life flicked on. He was waking up everyone in the neighborhood between his shouting and Scooters barking. Fuck it. The dog could just sleep outside. He hated the dog. He hated him! He took off his slipper and threw it into the night.
Dumb dog! He shouted.
Did you get him his wife asked as he came back in with one slipper.
No! He said punching his pillow. He can stay out all night for all I care.
I hope nothing happens to Scooter.
Dumb dog.
The next morning he was running late and stepped in a pile of Scooters latest offering.
Cliff tried to wipe his shoe off but the smell was overpowering in his car.
At the cape there was an urgent call in the command center.
What's up George?
We have a situation on the Shuttle.
Cliff felt his breakfast go cold in his stomach.
It seems a dog stowed away in the cargo bay.
What! one knows how he got on board last night but somehow he did.
It gets worse. The dog defecated  in cargo bay.
Cliff rubbed his forehead. He didn't need this shit right now. Think. Think.
Alright. Lets use the jettison capsule. Tell the astronauts to put the dog and his shit in the capsule and blast them into space.
George frowned.
Isn't that a little cruel?
No! And George don't aim him toward earth.
Where should I have them point him?
I don't care...Mars!
George left the command center and Cliff stood at the large mission control screen.
Dumb dog he muttered.
A few days later Cliff was called to the Cape in the middle of the night. He had been enjoying full restful nights since Scooter vanished. Good riddance he said more than once.
Yeah. What's up George?
Well...we have something strange with the Rover on Mars...ah...check this out.
Cliff stared at the screen. Something fuzzy was moving.
It's a life form!
Yes. And it is coming closer.
They watched the fuzzy image come closer. Cliff felt his heart. They were on the verge of discovering other life in the universe. He frowned. It looked
It's Scooter! He gasped.
George and Cliff stared at each other as Scooters large brown nose came up to the Rover.
How could it breathe?
How do dogs eat cat shit?
What's it doing...I think its about too...too....
They watched as Scooter lifted his leg on the Rover. Yellow urine rained down, then the screen went black .
He pissed on the Rover and shorted it out George said wondrously.
Billions of dollars in R and D vanished. Cliff shook his head, feeling like he was about to explode. He took off his  shoe that still stunk and threw it at the Mission Control screen. He screamed out in agony.
Rocket Man...funniest novel since Straight Man...Chicago Sun Times

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